Limbs, Limbs, Limbs (to the tune of “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s Child)
by Viola Volée
She wore his skin to dinner, but got onto sucking the blood by her mouth like a bitten lip.
Little did she know he hadn’t paid for his limbs, that the suits would—for the first and last month—be coming to collect.
And they told her, surrender, hand over your head.
You are buying a Pope Francis condom, and I, the cashier, hand you a survey
by Adriano Noble
After Jenny Danes’ Feedback Form
Every night you people make me question my afterlife.
1. Where do you think I will end up? When considering your answer, please keep in mind that I have been looking at crucifixes on Etsy and I am strongly considering buying one. Please circle ONE of the following.
A) Arbiter of lust that you are, surely in the fire.
B) Try a good deed for each Pope Francis condom sold: net zero sin.
C) I am the Pope and I absolve you.
D) I am the Pope and I will not absolve you.
E) Other:________________________________________
If you answered D or E, please skip to Question 5.
2. When I was on Etsy, I discovered custom votive candles. On a scale of 1 (not blasphemous at all, in fact will make you a saint by proxy) to 5 (an act of hubris, your sins are now the weight of a thousand Pope Francis condoms), how in trouble would I be with any higher powers if I got one of myself?
1 2 3 4 5 6
3. Is one of those crucifixes a better bet? (Y/N/N.A.)
4. What if I look at them and can only think of the smoothness of Christ’s long body? (Y/N/N.A.)
Please now consider the condom you are in the process of purchasing.
5.Why are you buying the Pope Francis condom? Please circle any of the following that apply.
A) Non-specic use as a false idol and/or I might pray to the condom.
B) Protective rune to save my body from reproduction and/or STIs.
C) I am a connoisseur of condoms which bear the faces of religious figures.
D) I am the Pope.
E) I’m in the business of small acts of violence.
F) Other:________________________________________
6. What do you think this condom would/will taste like? Please circle ONE of the following.
A)Normal condom.
B) Shame and/or despair and/or grief.
C) Light.
D) Some variant of flavoured condom (e.g. strawberry).
E) Like a mass wafer (I took one of those at age 12 even though I wasn’t baptised or confirmed and it was how I’d imagine packing peanuts to taste: disappointing. Anyway, now the only Catholics I know are the ones on condoms, thank god. I guess I’m asking whether the taste of the Pope Francis condom would live up to your expectations).
F) Other: ________________________________________
7. Would you like to continue your purchase of the Pope Francis condom? (Y/N/N.A.)
8. Would you like me to pray for you? (Y/N/N/.A.)
The Fourteenth Green
by Richard Roberts
The sun beats down, greens shimmer
Ladies Day,
a chance to pick up silverware
(Or compare feminine fashions, Phyllis)
Weather beaten faces,
some more wrinkled than others,
(Not enough Nivea, Nancy)
Trusty lambswool cardigans,
In pastel shades, teamed with
Traditional tweed,
(spaniel scented tweed, Margery)
Triumph Dolomite 1500’s fill the car park,
French blue, Honeysuckle, Carmine
And a much loved Morris Minor
(Trafalgar blue with rust, Doris)
With the occasional Jaguar, depositing
Wives, clubs clutching, chattering,
Trotting off to the changing rooms.
They stand, for the camera, club house behind,
Ladies Captain, centre stage, knees splayed.
And they start, tee timed.
Isabel, Joan, Betty (x2),
Scorecards and pencils issued,
‘Can someone call an ambulance ?’
Dr. Todd is summoned from the 5th,
All is not well on the Fourteenth Green,
Miss Weatherby J. (not Miss Weatherby P.)
Lies, pale, lifeless, clutching her putter.
Patricia stands, tears forming,
Joyce, her sister, now on the fairway to heaven,
Was 4 under par, and in the lead.
Viola Volée is the Editor-in-Chief of Wrong Publishing and co-author of Sweet Little Slutpuncture. She was thrice nominated for the Best of the Net anthology in addition to the Pushcart Prize and Best Microfiction, and she was longlisted for the Wigleaf Top 50. She has further work featured in Juked Magazine, Eclectica Magazine, LIGEIA Magazine, and many others. Find her at violavolee.weebly.com or @violavolee on Twitter.
Adriano Noble is a writer currently based in London. His work has been featured in The Hellebore, fourteen poems, and Rust & Moth, as well as shortlisted for the Creative Future Writers’ Award. He can be found on Twitter at @no_ao_.
Richard Roberts is a semi-retired solicitor who has spent 40 years dealing with the dead, the dying and the demented. He now lives in the shadow of Durham Cathedral where he enjoys drinking wine, searching the internet for his ideal classic car and playing with words.